Why do I want to find my soul mate?

I feel I want to find my soul mate, because then I don’t have to worry about the search anymore. Prier to my life altering events I was solely focused on me and only me. My career was number one and other things like relationships were on the back burner. I have since found that I can not live like that anymore. I need companionship and I want to have a family someday. I feel if I find my soul mate than, I don’t need to stress out about the search. I can use the energy to maintain an on going relationship and use less energy to search for a new one. I truly want to throw all my energy in to my work, but I feel like I am holding back. The lack of a personal life is making my life feel unbalanced. I want both the family and the career. Can the completion of this search make me happy? On the slim chance I do find this person, would I put too much work into the relationship and have everything else suffer? The only certain thing is, I want the search to be over!

Morons

Why do I get the morons hitting on me? Do I present myself at the level of a moron? I would hope I didn’t, because I truly strive to be above a moron. I wish to excel in something that other feel is too difficult or too hard. I need something I won’t get board with easily and is a challenge. I feel I need someone up at my level in order to keep my mind content. It seems the people at my level are less apt to be attracted to me. The fact is, they are unconcerned with the physicality of the situation. They are less super fiscal than the “morons”. I must keep an eye out in the future. I must watch how others interact with me in order to in prove my actions. I need to reduce the moron attraction and especially the ones that don’t speak English.

Confusion is all I see.

I feel lost in my calculus and my Physics. I feel there are not enough hours in the day to find out. I know I need to solve this problem, because I need these classes to complete my major. I am physically disappointed in myself and I feel my body should be able to do more. How do I fight exhaustion? I don’t know, but I must buckle down. It must be worth sacrificing all this time. I have to reach the destination; therefore I must take the journey. My passion is the greatest wish and ultimate goal.

Write to write.

What to write? I haven’t a clue what to write about and I want to keep up with my habit of writing. The closest thing I have to a solution is to write about my new goal to write in the SWE, proper English wording and text. I want to improve my writing skills and correct form is needed. This SWE form needs to be practiced everyday. If anyone out there is reading this forum, (I doubt anyone is, because I lead a boring and dull life) I wish for them to correct me. So, I can write the good English…. Heh heh heh, ok Better English.

Tuesday's short and sweet

I WANT TO BE A GEEK. I want to look the part because no one takes me seriously if I'm pretty. I'm perceived as a pretty face and not an intellectual being. I have observed an oddity over the course of two years. This oddity perceives the ugly duckling as the brains and the swans as empty headed. This fact has been evident in the last couple of days as I am treated empty headed when I pretty and brainy as ordinary Linda. I guess I want to be taken seriously, so I will sacrifice my appearance for this. If I do want to find someone for me, they must like me for who I am and not how I look. I can also study more time on homework and less time on boy chasing. BE THE GEEK! -- -- -- -- -- -- -- Wed @ 2am

Robbing me of myself

This guy I work with is insecure of himself. He feels the need to listen in on all of my conversations, because he believes I am talking about him. He has confronted me on his belief of me talking about him. I’m a direct person and I don’t do that. I would confront him on an issue if it bothered me.

I find it difficult to make general conversation when he is in ear shot, because he is listening. I see the eye that he gives me and I know he is there….. The silent predator. I become more worried about saying the right thing and increasingly more uncomfortable. It is less the fact of what I say and more worried about the outcome. I try to correct myself and start to babble and by this point I have made completely no sense. I have sent the light mood in to a downward spiral. I am left with a feeling of inadequacy and I feel robbed. I don’t quite know what he has taken, my innocents, but I feel it missing. His insecurities are robbing me of myself.

How Do I want to be seen?

How Do I want to be seen? I was the sexy temptress for awhile only, because I craved attention. I was never one to attract attention in high school; I was the brainack on the outside of the action. I wanted the fame and the exciting life of the popular class. I was voted most memorial. It was only, because I would dress up on theme days. I would go all out with my costume. It was fun. I admit I was nice to people but not more than most people.

I never created any long lasting bonds, school was too important. Over the course of my self discovery I found the outrageous person I am. Now, I need to decide what I want to keep and what is hazard to my future goals. I don’t want to blend in to the background as I had once done, but I am tired of everyone noticing me. Some guys that only want a pretty face and I feel they are inferior, because they can’t expand my brain. The places they choose are so tacky. To be hit on in the middle of the McDonald’s parking lot, shows they want a pretty face. Those times there is only one thing they are looking for and I can leave it up to the reader’s imagination.

People who see me as the brain can’t look past the whole picture. I simply say my major and they recoil and are intimidated. Guys that don’t recoil in intimidation find themselves in awe of your grasp of the topic. There is a feeling that they need not work just flirt to have them do their home work. I will not fall pray to their trickery. Will they see me as the whole person, not just the brain? I want to be seen as me, not the pretty face or the brain. I am Linda, not sure what that is completely, but it is in the middle.

Yeah, I can post!

It seems my wish to post has been answered and all posts I have put up to this point are posted. I now can say I have to deal with my problem…. because it is starting to affect my dreams. The dreams are not pleasant and involve me swallowing razorblades. I know these razorblades are there but I do it anyway. I suffer and the blade comes out knowing it is wrong for me and even deadly. I think the dream sums up my whole life at the moment. I do something that is bad for me and only realize it after the fact, but… I still feel the scar. My problem is still unsolved…. Will it ever be solved?

Publishing problems

I am frustrated with my current Blog, because I want to write and publish every day, but I am having complications. The software won’t let me plublish. How can I make writing this a habit if it prevents me from doing it. True, it did give me something to write about, without having to deal with my own twisted mixed up life. That is no excuse, I need to deal with my own problems and not try to use the distractions to divert my thoughts. So here it is, a story about a Blog and it brought me in to a conversation with myself. How I have been straying from me. I guess this isn’t a pointless conversation after all.

Swamped

I feel over loaded with everything. I feel like I can never do enough. I'm behind in my Calculus and my Physics. I'm finding it hard doing the bear minim and it is just the first full week. I need to plan better and try to work ahead. The truly scary thing is that I'm actually understanding the material. I can see the concepts and analyze the data. For the most part physics just comes to me. Calculus is just another form of math to learn. I see the connection to other parts of math and real life. Calc 1 in one sentences and that is derivatives and intergals. A derivative is a rate for a certain point and an integrals is an area under a complex curve. This is all we learn in calc 1, of course it isn't that easy. I'm on my way even though I feel swamped. Warp drive, here I come!

English

My new English teacher is vary articulate, charismatic and the most important, practical. He is more concerned with improvement through practicing writing, than knowing all the parts of speech. The other way he feels to improve is through good reading. I am thankful that his view coincides with my point of view. I am happy of one of the book choices and that is The One Hundred Greatest Essays edited by ______ DiYiovne (will fill in later). I am excited to be reading such important writing and I am so willing to learn from it. The other book that I will be using (a lot) Is The scriber Handbook For Writing edited by ______ DiYiovne. I think English will be fun and a challenge at the same time.

21 DAYS

It takes twenty one days to make a habit as a former manager of mine once said, so I am bound an determined to do a blog entry every night no mater how tired, sick or busy I am. Today I is a perfect time to prove, because I am two out Of the three. Exhausted and swamped. The writhing won't be pretty, I wish it was, but I will try to write something. Tuesdays start by waking up at 8 am and go until 1 am the next mooring and in between I have calculus, Physics, lecture and lab, volleyball, two hours of driving and rocky practice (other time is spent eating and studying). Exhausting, I think so. Yeah, for for habit, as I collapse.